Dragon Ball Z

Life is kinda hard to figure out sometimes.

I can feel myself gathering strength as we speak. Kinda like in Dragon Ball Z, when they're charging up those little orbs of energy in their hands, right before they release it and obliterate whoever it's pointed at. Yeah. Someday I'll be a super saiyan. Not yet, but soon. I still feel a lot of pain, anger, and frustration over the things that have happened in the last few months. I still get confused at why I feel the things I feel. I still get depressed and anxious. I still smoke away my frustrations and hope they'll evaporate with the ringlets. But, it's getting better.

Recently, I made a list of the things I needed to do. Here it is:

Things I Need to Fix:

Make appointments with:

Therapist

OB/GYN

Dentist

Oral Surgeon

Eye Doctor

Internist

Take care of:

Car Insurance

Safety Check

Tow Fine

Service Car

HECO

Oceanic Cable

Verizon

Medical Bills

Change of Address

Find SD Card and mail 

Set up TV, PS2 and Wii in room

Set up a workout plan

Set up a diet plan

Find another job

Think about school 

So far, so good. I've taken care of some doctors appointments - especially the scary dentist. Not to mention, I've gotta get my wisdom teeth extracted. Buh.

The rest of it kinda requires some funding, so i'll have to work on it slowly. But these are all the things i've let slide over time. Time to clean it up. Time to clean up my life. Time to fix things, for myself. Time to say goodbye to some things. Time to let the struggle sink in. Time to let adversity make me a better person - for myself, and no one else. Call it a good day, a good week, whatever. I'll take it as it is. Tomorrow might be shitty. And the day after that, and the day after that. But it doesn't matter, because today I feel okay. One day at a time.

I also made a list of things I want to do.:

Visit Buddhist Temple

Go to the beach

Go bowling

Go walking

Random photo safari in Waikiki or anywhere

My friend helped me with some of these things. She wants to help me get out of my room, of my house, of my shell. And I want to help myself so I can be a positive influence in her life, too. I want to find out what I want to do for myself, because they genuinely interest me, instead of going along just because other people want me to. These are things I want to do with her, or even alone. I want to embrace my life outside of my head. There's more to me than the things I tell myself. I owe her a big thanks. She's helped me in ways she may not even know.

I've been listening to a lot of dubstep lately, getting lost in the sounds. It's pretty fun. Sometimes you just have to wear your stunner shades at night, smoke, and feel cool. Sometimes that all you can do to just feel a little bit better about yourself. YOLO.

Radio Silence

My life has changed. Some say it's for the better, and some say it's for the worse. Some days it is, and some days it isn't.

It's time to break the radio silence. For the first time in my adult life, I have no ball and chain. I have no one wondering where I am, what i'm doing, and where i'm going. I have no one in the middle of the night.

These times are hard. I have good days - filled with laughter and friends, silly distractions like work and games, boys and drugs. I have bad days too - tears and pain, shadows and aches, loneliness and fear. I have all these things and I don't know what to do with them.

I feel like i've been running away. I'm running away from the thoughts, the memories, the lingering questions. I've been filling my time to the max, sustaining friendships and picking up new relationships as much as I possibly can to keep my demons at bay. I can't do this forever, but this is the only way I know how to get through this time in one piece. If I don't, I think i'd just cease to exist.

The me that once was has been completely obliterated - shattered into a trillion pieces of dust, swirling around in the wind. There is no conceivable way that I can get it all back; Through his actions I am changed forever. I don't think I even want to begin to search for what I was. Either way, the old me is gone, and I don't know who is in my space, yet. One day i'll start trying to see who I really am. But not today, and not tomorrow.

This time period is all about risk taking for me. I have nothing left in my life to preserve and protect. I have nothing. I am nothing. I am everything. I am anything.

So ask me everything. Let's do anything. I don't care. I can't care. I won't care. Do anything but get close to me, because I can't let you in right now. There is just no more room.