It's time to break the radio silence. For the first time in my adult life, I have no ball and chain. I have no one wondering where I am, what i'm doing, and where i'm going. I have no one in the middle of the night.
These times are hard. I have good days - filled with laughter and friends, silly distractions like work and games, boys and drugs. I have bad days too - tears and pain, shadows and aches, loneliness and fear. I have all these things and I don't know what to do with them.
I feel like i've been running away. I'm running away from the thoughts, the memories, the lingering questions. I've been filling my time to the max, sustaining friendships and picking up new relationships as much as I possibly can to keep my demons at bay. I can't do this forever, but this is the only way I know how to get through this time in one piece. If I don't, I think i'd just cease to exist.
The me that once was has been completely obliterated - shattered into a trillion pieces of dust, swirling around in the wind. There is no conceivable way that I can get it all back; Through his actions I am changed forever. I don't think I even want to begin to search for what I was. Either way, the old me is gone, and I don't know who is in my space, yet. One day i'll start trying to see who I really am. But not today, and not tomorrow.
This time period is all about risk taking for me. I have nothing left in my life to preserve and protect. I have nothing. I am nothing. I am everything. I am anything.
So ask me everything. Let's do anything. I don't care. I can't care. I won't care. Do anything but get close to me, because I can't let you in right now. There is just no more room.
