Trust is a noun. "Give me your trust." Trust is a verb. "Trust me." Trust is a sentence all on it's own. "Girl, let me tell you, that man was SO FINE. TRUST."
Trust is also something between two lovers. Trust is something between two soldiers. Trust is something everyone can give, but not everyone recieves. Trust is never deserved, it is the giver's choice. Trust is beautiful when it's mutual.
You trust your doctor to help you. You trust your teachers to lead you. You trust your 16 year old daughter to not get pregnant, even though you know she's sexually active.
Trust comes out of a relationship.
You have a relationship with other humans.
You have relationships with animals.
You have a relationship with a huge holy old man with a white beard in the sky.
You also have a relationship with food.
Everyone eats. Well, everyone that wants to live, eats. Animals eat, humans eat, humans eat animals, and some animals eat humans. Plants "eat" too.
Food is a friend. And on a daily basis, we meet, chat, sometimes do this mysterious and romantic dance of the senses together, and sometimes we argue, too.
We're taught to eat three meals a day, although current research has proven that three meals a day isn't necessary, as long as you get adequate calorie intake sometime throughout the day.
Food is a dear old friend. My friend Food is a shapeshifter. Sometimes she's a gentle soul, a cup of tea in the early morning, or a delicate whipped topping. Sometimes he's an old professor, tried and true, only getting better with age, like a sharp cheese or a robust wine. Sometimes she's a sensual feast, like chocolate covered strawberries, or bubbly champagne. Sometimes he's a college punk, like kim chee ramen and greasy french fries.
My friend Food, changes to fit me. Food will come, and Food will go. And because Food is a friend, Food can affect my emotions, too.
Me and Food have been through ups and downs, just like any other relationship. Sometimes I loved Food. Sometimes I hated Food. But Food is always there, even for the lonliest souls. All you have to do is reach for Food.
My journey with Food has been long, sometimes boring, and sometimes so complicated I could explode just trying to explain it. But I'm writing this to change my relationship with my ever elusive friend.
I can tell you what Food has meant to me in every phase of my life. From the time of my earliest memories, to today, I can tell you the different encounters with Food i've had, and why it's so important that friend Food needs to keep changing.
My friend Food was curious.
Or rather, I was curious about Food. How did this taste? How would this make me feel? Was there a pattern?
Food was a comforting pal, and a shoulder to cry on. Food could take me to places like India, Japan, and Sweden. Food could take me right back to being 5 years old, when life was carefree. Food is also a magician, it is able to turn back time, just for a brief second.
But Food can also be a two-faced bitch. Food helps as much as it hurts sometimes, depending on what you're eating and how much of it.
I am an obsessive/compulsive type of person. I generally don't like the stigma that comes with saying you have OCD - people tend to think you're a clean freak, or that you turn the lights on and off three times before you enter or leave the room. OCD is a serious problem when it becomes severe like that, but it's not always like that.
So because I have these OCD tendancies, Food was something "safe" I could eat obsessively and moreso than not, compulsively. I want something, I get it. I want MORE of it? I get it. I like to eat in a certain way or pattern. I find myself not even looking at the cost of things because I want it, and it doesn't matter anyway, because I will justify it in my head somehow. I bought a 2 lb. bag of cherries for $20 with this method.
Anyway, the point is that somewhere along the way, something got messed up. The wires in my brain started making these irrational connections hooked up to my tastebuds and my stomach. I've always been on the big side, and that's fine with me. I can't do anything about my bone structure. I wasn't meant to be a size 1, but maybe somewhere around an 8 or a 10. At my most in shape (which was in my sophomore year of high school... I was doing 2 hour basketball practices a day) I was around 160 lbs. That is my goal weight. That was also without any dieting whatsoever - I'd eat at McDonalds after practice more often than not, so I feel like with proper nutrition AND exercise, I can probably get even past that goal. The number is not really so important to me, though. I'd love to drop to a size 10, for sure, but it's about more than that. It's about eating healthy, living healthy, feeling healthy. It's about living for a long, long, time. It's about feeling good.
So starting today, i'm going to take a stand and lengthen my life. Not only for myself, but for my family and friends. I have people that love me, and I need to stop being so selfish and rectify the things i've done to harm my body and shorten my life span. If I am determined to make my life meaningful, I have to actually be alive.
I have decided to go on a VERY low (to NO) carbohydrate diet, and a low-sugar diet as well. A lot of people think i'm taking this too far, or that i'm crazy, but I need something drastic. I surprisingly did well with my vegan diet last year (I held it for a solid month before my gallbladder kicked the bucket), and I don't think this will be any harder than that. I need a rigid set of rules that I can follow, or else i'll find myself justifying every little thing. Many people don't believe in that... they believe it's best to ease into something, but I'm kind of an all or nothing girl. I tried taking baby steps, and each time I was more willing to just say "fuck this" and give up. So now i'm choosing to break through this illusion that i'm happy with carbs, because i'm not. I'm really not.
So this is day 0. This is the start of my new journey. It's gonna be hard, i'm not gonna lie. I hope I don't screw up, but if I do I know I have a few people that are gonna help me up along the way. I've had different friends be wary of it, receptive, and all for it, but that doesn't change my opinion on this; it changes my opinion of them. I'm gonna feel crappy, I'm gonna feel like I NEED that donut, and I'm going to cry. But after that day, week, month, year, it's gonna get better. It's gonna start to feel better. I'm gonna start to look better. And I'm gonna be happier.
My friend Food, is going to transform. I know that it's gonna get angry at first, and rear it's sugary, carby, head at me. It's going to bring me into the depths of this hellish illusion and make me think that I am unhappy. It's going to sink me into a depression of jealous rage. But that's expected. It's going to be hard to climb out of that hole, but it's still possible. And then it's gonna change. It'll be better one hour, one day, one week at a time, until I come to the realization that Food isn't the antagonist, but still a friend. In many ways, Food is like an addiction. The chemical addiction is to endorphins that are released when i'm eating something good. I'm addicted to Food just like a drug. I am going to detoxify, and through rehabilitation, and I am going to re-learn to trust Food again. I am going to learn how to trust myself.
So to conclude this ever-lengthy introduction, I will be naming these entries "Buddha-ful". I decided on this because I've really been looking into Buddhism as a life guide, and because beauty is relative to all of us. Just like SEOTS, and The Daily Pink!, it will be a reguarly featured segment. The time frame should be the same as TDP... maybe less. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to contribute due to work and school, but I want to record my progress, so I'll try to do this as often as possible. I'm considering creating a twitter account just for food tracking purposes, but we'll see.
I'll get more in detail with the actual posts later... this took me forever to write and I gotta pee. :o)
PinkStar26
