As I've talked about previously on this blog, I'm on a low-to-no carb diet. I've been wanting to go on a diet for quite some time now. I went vegan in August/September 2009, so I figure, hey, if I can do that, I can DEFINITELY do this.
I've been looking for some low-to-no carb replacements for things like bread, rice, pasta, and potatoes. The easiest of all of them is the taters. Everyone's been raving about the cauliflower "potatoes". Many of the recipes online detail baking procedures, roasting, microwaving, etc. But the way that is most obvious to the non-cooker that is me is to boil it. Sure, this takes away from some of the taste, but I wanted these cauliflower florets to be as bland as possibly human, because I was looking forward to buttering them up like I do my normal mash.
A few days ago I bought two florets of cauliflower (z0mg, they are SO expensive! $7 for 2! And THAT was the SALE price), and so I throw them in a pot of salted, boiling water. Ten minutes go by... check them, still hard. 15, 20, 25 minutes... this was apparently not meant to be a quick meal. After 25 minutes of tummy grumbling, and watching King of the Hill, I finally pulled them out and didn't care if they were hard, they were going to be mashed into yummy paste and find their way into my stomach. After much slipping and sliding on the chopping board, and with a pair of tongs to hold them steady, I got to chopping. I cut them in half, and de-stemmed them (let me tell you, cauliflower was flying EVERYWHERE) and shoved them into my giant orange bowl. I then proceeded to look for my potato masher, then realized I never had one. Crap.
So I'm mashing these cauliflower the best I can with a wooden spoon, and my tongs - which are actually quite sharp at the ends, mind you - and I realize that THIS IS JUST NOT WORKING. It's looking more like feta cheese now, kinda crumbly and not mashed at all. With a dejected sigh, I feel like this cauliflower conquered me instead, and turned me into a heap of pureed starch. We don't have a food processor - which we SHOULD and I WANT hint hint - but I do realize that we have a blender. Now, it's 9:30pm and my neighbor's probably didn't appreciate the use of the blender that late, but I was desperate to make this mashed cauliflower resemble the potatoes I love so much. And of course, as all SEOTS stories go, I find that my blender is broken. Well, not completely, but the bottom blade portion does not stay where it should. This sounds pretty dangerous, and i'm not one to take chances with flying blender blades, so Michael suggests that I tape it (while he's lasso-ing the accompanying steak flanks). I tape the bottom so that it's somewhat secure for at least 10 minutes, shove my crumbly cauliflower into the blender, add a shitload of butter, and start a-blendin'.
NYYYEEEEERRRRNYERNYERNYER! That was the sound of my blender functioning strangely, but blending nevertheless. It happened to only blend the bottom portion, so I had to take my wooden spoon and mix it every 20 seconds or so (again, my neighbors, their ears, bless them). I did this for about 10 minutes, until I sloshed the blended bits and unblended bits out and threw them back into my ridiculously-oversized-highlighter-orange bowl. At this point they were more along the lines of a cottage cheese consistency (not as runny), so I gave up. I stirred in some garlic salt and a little more butter and admitted to Michael that it was going to be less like MASHED potatoes and more like LUMPY I-let-a-3-year-old-stir my mashed potatoes. He didn't seem to mind.
About the time I finished with the cauliflower, Michael was done with the steak, mushrooms, onions and broccoli. All in all, dinner turned out to be pretty good - I wasn't happy with my cauliflower, but ate it nonetheless. Michael said he enjoyed my cauliflower (although I suspect it was only out of pity). We had a nice dinner at 9:45pm last night, and better yet, enjoyed each other's company in the midst of flying cauliflower and burning steak.
Moral of the story: Always have a food processor.
PinkStar26
(P.S. - I have the picture of this meal (as well as every meal) up on twitter also! It's in the side bar to the right, or you can check out (and subscribe to) twitter.com/buddhafulblog!)
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